No-one can seem to agree if the recession means good news or bad news for the environment. We summarise the key arguments:
Global demand for oil is falling.
Petrol gets cheaper.
Pubs close heated outdoor terraces as people cut back on eating out.
Patio heaters 60% off at B&Q.
Woolworths goes bust, leading to falling sales of cheap plastic crap.
People drive miles in search of alternative Pick’n’Mix.
Premier League footballers cut back on purchases of luxury cars.
They’re all buying cut-price helicopters.
Drivers put off buying new cars.
And keep driving around in their old gas-guzzlers.
China shuts down 20 coal-burning power stations.
And opens four nuclear ones.
Construction of Severn barrage put on hold owing to credit availability. All of Gloucestershire designated Wading Bird Preserve as continued global warming causes flood havoc.
Gordon Brown’s government announces plans to create thousands of jobs insulating UK homes.
UK Government buildings continue to produce more CO2 output than the entire Kenyan economy.
Kenyan economy cuts CO2 output by 25%.
UK government buys Kenyan carbon credit instead of insulating roofs.
Fashion industry responds to falling sales by switching from four seasons per year to one season every four years. You will be wearing yellow low-cut velour disco pants until spring 2013.
Words: Jon Matthews
Illustration: Nicholas Saunders