Anyone who knows me may be glad to hear this, but I am about to embark on a plan to quit smoking cigarettes. Forever. I have to do it to be in with a chance of winning that £500 in our little 10K run bet, or to ever be able to run further than to my local Londis (you can read more about the bet here).
Tut tut, I'm sure a lot of you dissapproving sporty-types will be quoffing into your mungbean salad about now. Well save it. Yes, smoking is stupid, trust me I know. I'm a smoker. My comedy lung capacity and the mahogany hue of my fingernails says so. But I'm not writing this for you (haven't you got some workout stats to go analyse, or something?) Not many of you howies fans do smoke, anyway. So I'm writing this for anyone that does, in the hope that it could nudge just one of them to get off their arse and do something, one day, soon.
We know smoking is disgusting, we know it's wrecking our health and we're all fully aware that if we carry on, it will probably be the death of us. But when you're addicted to nicotine, you go into ostrich-mode at the fear of never being able to smoke again – convincing yourself that you aren't slowly dieing on the inside and that your hacking cough is just a tiny tickley cough, caused by the ickle Marlboro pixies ballet dancing on your windpipe.
So, I've read the books and I've listened to the tapes and they can all be summed up in 100 words, rather than 100,000 – smoking is brainwashing. Remember your first cigarette and how utterly foul it tasted? Well, every single cigarette you ever smoked after that is exactly the same. They are clones, all made the same way, on a production line, using the same cocktail of rubbish and they all taste pretty much the same and are equally disgusting, should you happen to light them on fire. The pleasure you think you get from puffing on them and how you think you now enjoy the taste, is just your brain tricking you. It needs the nicotine that's in them and it will do all manner of Derren Brown-ery on your senses to get it. That includes habitually fooling you into thinking you like the taste of hot burning chemicals and that yellow teeth look cool. Knowing this, gives you an advantage over the bastard.
But you need some sort of emotional trigger, a wake-up call to pull your head out of the sand and realise that this drug owns you and you need to do something about it. My trigger was the bet and how my running has progressed so pathetically. It is also the fear of having to cough up £500 and possibly a lung in the process. You just need to find your trigger.
If you're like me, then it's probably fear stopping you from doing something. All I'll say is give it a go. Connect your brain back to your body, go for a long walk or something and just feel how unfit you are (probably). That alone could be your trigger to make some changes. Maybe then we could all be happy, healthy, lycra clad endorphine junkies, nodding at eachother across the park.
Or don't bother. Maybe you like smoking? Who am I to preach? My goodness, I've become one of those worthy plebs I dislike so much... Carry on.
Prof. Peter Davies